Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
