What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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