My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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