Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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