I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
