Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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