Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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