I looked at my own cervix.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize