happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Life is so much better after having sex.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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