so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
