im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
