you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
