Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i believe in u and ur pee
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
