i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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