I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
