It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
