When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
