So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
