Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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