Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
