I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
