my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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