Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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