Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Randomize
