I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
