if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Randomize