Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
