Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
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