ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize