I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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