I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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