I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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