I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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