I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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