They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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