I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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