I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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