In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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