Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I need to sanitize my soul.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
