bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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