Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
