just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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