Im at strip club and am horny
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
