He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
