the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize