Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
