If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
