So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
