She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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