Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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