Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize