hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
