She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
