he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
