She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
