i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
