haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
