The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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