1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
