We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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